Steps of Hope and Infertility

Today I thought that I would go deeper and let you all in on my life. One of the reasons that I started this blog was to be honest about my life and to possibly give others hope if they are suffering from any of the same ailments or issues that I have. So, here goes: I am infertile. I have suffered with infertility for over ten years. It is a cruel and depressing disease. There is nothing harder than having life given to you and then to have it taken away. Or, to let yourself be hopeful and happy and then to have to grieve when a cycle doesn't take. I am lucky that I am not on that roller coaster right now. I spent over six years on it, enduring ten IUI's (intra uterine insemination) and five IVF's (in vitro fertilization). In the midst of that, I had one miscarriage, one ectopic pregnancy and one vanishing twin. Obviously, something beautiful and wonderful came out of it, Jacob; but, the pain that I suffered to bring him into the world and the pain that I still have waiting for me to be healthy enough to transfer our last two frozen embryos was and is hard. Our embryos have been frozen and waiting for four years. They are not the best quality of embryos, so I don't hold much hope. But, God can work miracles.

One lesson that I have learned over the years is that God's timing is not at all what I would like it to be, but, He has His reasons. In Ecclesiastes 3:11, Solomon wrote, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." This is one of my favorites (we just happen to be studying Ecclesiastes in church right now). We tend to live in the micro-moment of our lives and to not see the big picture, which inlcudes our lives on earth and our eternal lives in Heaven. This is something that I struggle with, of course, as I am somewhat of a control freak, and I want to know just when things are going to happen. When will I be able to transfer the embryos? When will I bring home my beautiful adopted child? Only God knows. In the meantime, I am to "put eternity" in my heart and live a faithful life to God, trusting him fully in times of pain and despair. This is something that I really struggle with, so, please pray that God would give me a patient and trusting heart.

Some of you might be wondering where the picture above came from. Shane and I were lucky enough to take a romantic long weekend May 2007 in Monterey Bay, California. It was so beautiful. We stayed in a bed and breakfast in Carmel-by-the-sea. The very last day we were there we spent a quiet morning eating breakfast and then exploring a beach called the Carmel River beach. It is listed as one of the top most beautiful beaches in the nation. I sat on the sand and played with the granite rocks while Shane wandered off to take pictures and he found this cross on top of a hill with steps leading up to it. How beautiful! A few short months later, we were asked to mentor a couple going through infertility in our church. That led me to confess to Shane that I had been thinking for a while about starting a Christian based infertility support group. The group was started and is growing. Maybe the best part about starting the group, for us, was getting in contact with a leader of a group in Irving, TX. She is the one who told me about the adoption agency that we are now using. God works in the most amazing way. If we had not started this group, we might have never found this agency. And, we might not be on the exciting and amazing journey that we are now on...to add to our family through adoption.

We named the group Steps of Hope and our goal is to mentor to couples experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Here is a link to our website: www.cypressbible.org/infertility.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13