The Big "E"

What is the big "E"? Endometriosis. I know, I know, some of you are saying why is she writing about that? Well, it has crept up on me again so I thought that I would share. I was first diagnosed in 1997. The doctors say that I have most likely had endo since I started my cycles. I started having problems as a teen, but, back then all they did was put you on the pill. That minimized the problem for a few years, although, I am not sure that was such a good thing. In 1995, Shane and I thought it would be a good time to start a family, so I came off of the pill. Right away I knew something was wrong. At first the pain was once a month but eventually it became a daily thing. On one trip, I stood up out of bed and hit the floor writhing in pain. I saw my gyn the next week who said she suspected endo but wanted us to keep trying to get pregnant for another six months. I made it four months before I demanded surgery as I couldn't take the pain any longer.

In March 1997, I had my first laparoscopy. Apparently what they found was so unusual that not only did they decide not to operate but they also paraded med students in and out of the OR to look at me. What they found was that I had severe endo, Stage IV, and that my uterus was intertwined with my bladder. So, they sewed me up and told me that I would have to be on Lupron for 4 months and then have a laparotomy, where they cut your abdomen open.

I had no idea what I was getting into with the Lupron. It is the meanest, dirtiest drug on earth and if I knew what I know now, I never would have taken it. It did, however, have the effect of shrinking the endo by 50% by the time I had the laparotomy; but, I am not sure it was worth it otherwise. Lupron puts you into menopause. I gained weight, became severely depressed and started having anxiety and panic attacks.

In July 1997, I had the laparotomy to remove the remaining endo and had 1/3 of my bladder removed and part of each ovary. What I didn't know then was that every time you have surgery, your body heals by creating adhesions. The adhesions create much the same symptoms as endo itself, thus requiring more surgery. All in all, I have had 6 laparoscopies to remove endo and adhesions and one laparotomy.

The bad news is that I will be having another laparoscopy soon. I started having symptoms of pain and nauseau (a new symptom that I have never had before) last April. They have improved with diet but not gone away. The nauseau often puts me to bed early and had quite an effect on my vacation last week. So, I am opting for more surgery and waiting on the doctor's office to call me with the surgery date.

What is endometriosis? It is when the uterine lining plants itself outside of the uterus. The lining then acts where it is planted just as it does when you are having your period....and it grows and grows. Some women can have little to no endo and be in severe pain and some can have severe endo and little to no pain. In addition to being outside of my uterus, my endo has planted itself on my ovaries, fallopian tubes, kidneys, intestines, bladder and my bowel. This of course has an affect on your fertility and is the main reason why Shane and I had to go through infertility treatments.

Prayer request...please pray that I have made the right decision (I think I have) to go ahead with yet another surgery and that the symptoms that I am having will go away for at least another two years. The only remedy for endo is a complete hysterectomy (which is in my future but not just yet) and that may not be the end of the problem as the endo has grown on other organs besides my uterus and ovaries and then there is the issue of adhesions.

Right now, I am meditating on Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God" as I know that God is in control. Endometriosis is another "thorn in the flesh" that I endure and that is ok...because that is what God has planned for me. I know that sounds corny and may be unbelievable to some, but that is where my faith has brought me...to trust fully in God's plan.

...to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh...Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
2 Corinthians 12:7-9

Steps of Hope and Infertility

Today I thought that I would go deeper and let you all in on my life. One of the reasons that I started this blog was to be honest about my life and to possibly give others hope if they are suffering from any of the same ailments or issues that I have. So, here goes: I am infertile. I have suffered with infertility for over ten years. It is a cruel and depressing disease. There is nothing harder than having life given to you and then to have it taken away. Or, to let yourself be hopeful and happy and then to have to grieve when a cycle doesn't take. I am lucky that I am not on that roller coaster right now. I spent over six years on it, enduring ten IUI's (intra uterine insemination) and five IVF's (in vitro fertilization). In the midst of that, I had one miscarriage, one ectopic pregnancy and one vanishing twin. Obviously, something beautiful and wonderful came out of it, Jacob; but, the pain that I suffered to bring him into the world and the pain that I still have waiting for me to be healthy enough to transfer our last two frozen embryos was and is hard. Our embryos have been frozen and waiting for four years. They are not the best quality of embryos, so I don't hold much hope. But, God can work miracles.

One lesson that I have learned over the years is that God's timing is not at all what I would like it to be, but, He has His reasons. In Ecclesiastes 3:11, Solomon wrote, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end." This is one of my favorites (we just happen to be studying Ecclesiastes in church right now). We tend to live in the micro-moment of our lives and to not see the big picture, which inlcudes our lives on earth and our eternal lives in Heaven. This is something that I struggle with, of course, as I am somewhat of a control freak, and I want to know just when things are going to happen. When will I be able to transfer the embryos? When will I bring home my beautiful adopted child? Only God knows. In the meantime, I am to "put eternity" in my heart and live a faithful life to God, trusting him fully in times of pain and despair. This is something that I really struggle with, so, please pray that God would give me a patient and trusting heart.

Some of you might be wondering where the picture above came from. Shane and I were lucky enough to take a romantic long weekend May 2007 in Monterey Bay, California. It was so beautiful. We stayed in a bed and breakfast in Carmel-by-the-sea. The very last day we were there we spent a quiet morning eating breakfast and then exploring a beach called the Carmel River beach. It is listed as one of the top most beautiful beaches in the nation. I sat on the sand and played with the granite rocks while Shane wandered off to take pictures and he found this cross on top of a hill with steps leading up to it. How beautiful! A few short months later, we were asked to mentor a couple going through infertility in our church. That led me to confess to Shane that I had been thinking for a while about starting a Christian based infertility support group. The group was started and is growing. Maybe the best part about starting the group, for us, was getting in contact with a leader of a group in Irving, TX. She is the one who told me about the adoption agency that we are now using. God works in the most amazing way. If we had not started this group, we might have never found this agency. And, we might not be on the exciting and amazing journey that we are now on...to add to our family through adoption.

We named the group Steps of Hope and our goal is to mentor to couples experiencing infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Here is a link to our website: www.cypressbible.org/infertility.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13