I know you are all wondering where we have been. Well, life has been a little crazy for us. Back in August, my surgeon told me that we had to transfer our frozen embryos asap as I would need a hysterectomy within six months. We decided to go for it. It took a while for me to wean off of a few of my meds before I had permission. About a month ago, I started taking estrogen and a week later progesterone injections. For whatever reason, my body does not tolerate hormone replacement very well. The estrogen fuels the growth of endometriosis and makes my life miserable. Throw in the progesterone and you have one grumpy, nauseous, extremely tired, unhappy woman. I have spent the last two weeks practically doing nothing as I have felt so bad. I had days where I couldn't keep any food down and I thank God for Chick fil'A milkshakes.

On the 7th we had the embryo transfer. We had two frozen embryos but only one survived the thawing process. It was maturing great and was already hatching. Hatching is when the edges of the embryo start to separate in preparation for attaching to the uterine lining. The transfer was not a pleasant experience. While I was out of the room, Shane told my doctor about the movie "Baby Mama." One of my favorite scenes is when the doctor tells Tina Fey's character "I don't like your uterus. I just don't like your uterus." Since I can relate to this, I thought it was pretty funny. So, when I returned from the bathroom, my sweet little Indian doctor looked at me and said "Laura, I don't want to make you laugh (I had a very full bladder for the procedure) but I just don't like your cervix." After the procedure, I rested for a couple of days and then resumed life as normal. At least, I tried to. I had to go to the doctor for blood work on the 14th and again this past Friday for the pregnancy test.

My doctor called last night and told us the results. I had not taken a home test and since I was feeling so sick could not have told you if I "felt pregnant" or not. After all that misery, I am not pregnant. We have added two more children to our rather large family in Heaven. This was our last chance to try for our own biological child. I did have mixed emotions about having to spend months on bed rest as I did with Jacob; but, the thought of getting to experience pregnancy again, especially with Jacob, was exciting. Unfortunately, that is not what God had planned for us. We are grieving, of course. I want to ask God, if You can move mountains, why can't You make me pregnant again? Is it such a big thing to ask? I loved this baby that was inside of me. I know that is hard for some to understand, but I truly felt love for my baby even as a blob of cells. I know that the pain will diminish and life will continue on as usual. And, I have a beautiful mini-me to love and I thank God for him each and every day.

For a long time, we have questioned what God's plan was for us. Were we to have another biological child or adopt? Now that we know the answer, I am relieved and ready to close the door to infertility and move on. I will never again have to give myself an injection. I will never again have to drive across town for bloodwork and wait all day for the results. I will never again have to endure the pain of losing a baby that we conceived. That is not to say that I can forget the past 13 years of infertility. I will always be an infertile woman and it will always hurt. But, we are very much excited about the adoption and now that we are finally done with any and all infertility treatments, maybe God will allow it to finally happen. The fact that I can have another baby is so reassuring. To me, it doesn't matter where the baby comes from. I know I will love him or her no matter what. In fact, I already do love my baby and I look forward to meeting him or her soon.

Please pray for us as we grieve our loss. Pray that God will give us a beautiful baby soon. We are excited to see God's plan unfold in our lives. We are waiting!!!

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope.
Psalm 130:5